CHANGES WITH PARENTHOOD

I did some pretty crazy stuff when I was younger. In fact, if the old me had met the new me, we would not have liked each other very much. In some ways, I am the same. The little girl I used to be stays respectfully in her room until I invite her out to play. The brokenhearted teenager is in there somewhere, too, but she's in time out.

When I had my first child, I had my first anxiety attack. It was on the way home from the hospital that it hit me that I was now responsible for another life. I was immediately overcome with fear that I was not good enough, that I would not be able to be a good enough parent. That's all that really matters, you know. Being a good enough parent is being a good enough parent. Just good enough to keep them safe and happy and train them properly to deal with their lives in the future after I am gone.

Parenting, in most cases, brings about a priority shift. I am going out on a limb here to say that women are more affected by this. But I have to quickly add that I have seen my share of women who put themselves before their children far too often. But they are definitely not the majority.

For me, I have changed a lot. I no longer watch my own TV shows. In fact, I believe that I know more Barney songs than any other singer I have ever listened to. And no one in my house has watched that purple dinosaur in about 5 years. My youngest LOVES Thomas the Tank Engine. I believe I should probably buy stock in that corporation. He's gonna blow Barney off the map, judging by the way my son spends hours in his room building labyrinths of track of all colors and sizes, playing with trains of all sizes. Did I mention that we have motorized trains, wooden trains and metal magnetic trains?

We probably have enough track to go around the entire house. I have probably spent thousands of dollars on Thomas paraphernalia. I hope he never stops loving Thomas this way. I do wish, however, that that company would make bigger shoes for children. My son is wearing a hole in the tops of those Thomas shoes and refuses to wear any of the other FIVE pairs I have bought, trying to replace them.

My daughter has become my new "best friend," especially when it comes to makeup. She is always getting into my makeup and making a big mess with it. If she was my little sister, I would be mad. I know because I have a couple of little sisters. But no, with my daughter, it's cute.

My oldest son has probably been the most patient of them all. He has waited patiently since he was three to have time alone with me. Those times are few and far between, but I do make extreme efforts to make that happen. I know he counts on it.

I also don't eat the last anything, unless I know no one will feel cheated. I also don't buy one of them anything without buying something for everyone else as well. It is very important to me that not one of them ever feels that Mommy doesn't love them just as much as the others. And believe me, that has come to be a major topic since I left my husband. Everyone wants Mommy's attention. 24/7.

And since the summer is here, I have been spending a great deal of time with my children for the first time since my oldest was a toddler. And I am taking out the time to enjoy it. There is a subtle different between spending time with someone and spending enjoyable quality time with someone. I am no longer angry and rushed when trying to make them feel loved. It's a really nice feeling. For them as well as for me. They are loving it.